Update

Well it finally happened. I knew it was going to happen eventually. My wife left me. Ironically she cornered me when I got home from work and said she was lonely and couldn't live like she was. Keep in mind she was the one always out until the wee hours of the morning. She then said she was missing something and I asked her what. She replied condescendingly that I knew what. Now, assuming she meant sex I recall two years ago that she said she didn't need a physical relationship. What changed with her to make her decide she now wants sex? If she wanted to explore and experiment I would have been willing to discuss it with her. She made it painfully clear that she wants a new life without me. That part hurts. There is that sinking feeling I wasn't good enough to keep her happy. Or, that my satisfaction with simple pleasures and keeping things simple wasn't exciting enough for her. Or perhaps that she is going through a midlife crises and wants to be a party girl with her friends who are ten years younger and I no longer fit in the picture. All sorts of thoughts are running through my mind. People are telling me she is acting like she is seeing someone else which I think so too. However if I'm going to be totally honest I was falling out of love with her too. In fact I was growing to resent her for making me feel like I don't matter. Now I did cry when she left however there is no going back. I never asked her to reconsider and if she were to call me and ask if we can try to work it out I will tell her no. Really at this point all I care about are where am I going to live and to not be alone. I've been lonely the last year (while still married) and am even lonelier now. So here is the start of another chapter in my life.

I joined AFF

Well for the past few months I joined AFF (adult friend finder). I was home alone and was drunk and was thinking. Drinking and thinking are never a good combination. However I realized I'm sick of being forced into celibacy and it's time I do some things for myself. I have mixed reviews of AFF. Some of the profiles are there are obviously fake. However I did meet one person. That will be another post. Lately things seem to be heading to a collision course. The last few weekends my wife is out all night with her friends. I get home in the evening time and she's long gone at a bar, or a club with her friends having a good time. I'm at home alone so I drink. She usually gets home no earlier than 2 in the morning. I'm tired of being home and alone.

I spend a bit of time on AFF. Lately I just watch the couple cams. Those are hot. It is a huge turn on to watch a couple love to explore their kinky side together. My wife would never in a million years go for something like that. So I'd like to find a partner in crime who would love to play on cam with others watching. I know I should be telling my wife these things, but it's hard to talk to her sometimes especially when she is out having a good time and I'm here by my lonesome. Anyhow, I'm still here, with a lot to post about, but not sure I should.

Cold Shower

My wife asked if my shower was okay. She's never asked this question before. I told her I had no problems. She said good because she was in the shower which is on the other side of the house. Oh, that's why. If she wanted to shower she could've easily joined me. Unlike her, I don't lock the bathroom door when I'm showering.

Still Here

Still here.  I know I don't have a lot of readers.  Hell this blog isn't even my main project.  I was even considering deleting it for the third time.  However some things have happened.  My life is the same.  I still love my wife but I've given up any hope of being intimate with her again.  Everywhere we go I'm always looking at other women, wondering if they are happy or they are like me, living their lives wishing for a little time to do what they want to do.  I also find myself envious of couples out in public who are obviously happy to be around each other.  When we're out together it's just 'oh it's you!'  I think she is taking after her parents.  Whether or not she realizes it I don't know.  They've been married a long, long time and had a turbulent marriage.   My wife grew up with screaming, cursing, shouting, and throwing things (in one occasion a bat was utilized).  She grew up thinking that was normal.  So I think that is the root of her anxieties and disinterest in physical affection.  That is normal for her, but not for me.

Strange Dream

I'm still trying to figure out what, if anything this dream was supposed to mean. Let me break down the elements;

I was in a math class. Math was my worst subject. I hated it. The only times I ever failed in school was a math class of some sort. Perhaps my brain just can't process math.

The teacher was a pretty blond with a nice chest and was practically exposing them to the class. I think any amateur dream reader than crack that code.

Sitting next to me was a girl I knew back in college. We were friends, part of a larger group of friends. I had a thing for her sure, but she had a boyfriend so all we could ever be was friends. We had a lot of adventures together, parties, road trips, etc. One drunken night, I spent the night in her dorm and it was the first time I had ever gone down on a woman. I the graduated and saw her less often. She then got married then I never heard from her again. I ran into her a few years ago at a club with her husband. One thing I never understood was why she, and others in that crowd kept in touch but not with me. I guess that's part of the dream too.

Hell of a way to go!!!

Hey at least he won the bet! But at what a price!

What Am I Doing?

I know I said I wouldn't talk to her because I got the sense there is too much drama. Yet something inside me keeps pushing the envelope. I guess it's the excitement of the possibility of something happening in the future. The other night she asked me in yahoo IM to tell her something to get her off. I did. So now I have to think how far this is going to go. My id and superego (the literal angel and devil on my shoulder) have been constantly fighting. I want some time for myself, to do what I want to do. Afterwards I can come back to my usually dull routine.

Playboy Radio Can Be Depressing...

I have satellite radio. It's great! I just recently discovered Playboy radio. On my way home in the night time I listen to the night calls. Listening to some of these people I don't know whether to be extremely envious or skeptical. It seems like everyone has amazing sex lives except me. I know the right thing is to talk but we've had this discussion twice before. She said she is not interested and has had a lifetime of experience. She also made a curious comment that I wouldn't do anyone better than her. Now why would she say that? Clearly she wants me around but expects me to entertain myself. One thing I've learned is people have needs and they will not repress them forever. Hell I'm watching friends and coworkers do it. Well not literally.

Still No Player

When I was single I was a lousy Mack. I didn't use come on lines, I didn't wear flashy clothes and never drove a flashy car. It was semi-redneck casual and a pick up truck for me. What you saw was what you got. While my wife was at an all girls party the husbands invited me out to a bar. I went, why not, beats being at home alone. I don't go out often, just once in a blue moon. Loud, crowded bars are not my thing. I get there and it's loud, and crowded. It is also full of hot women. I wondered if any of them would be receptive to someone in my predicament. I met up with my friends. One of them was with a lady friend who wasn't his wife. Of course his wife is a hot Hispanic gal. Oh well, not my business. There was a friend of hers who was cold so I lent her my jacket. We chatted for a bit. Then when the music played my friend danced with her. I wouldn't have minded a dance with her. Problem was I hate the music they were playing. I'm not a 'booty music' man. Oh well, he comes back a short while later claiming he almost kissed her. I wonder what he meant by almost. My other friend is showing me pictures of all his girlfriends on his cell phone. Talk about gutsy. I couldn't do that. Too risky. He better hope he is in control of that phone at all times because if his wife finds it.....

Anyhow the night didn't end on a bad note. I can still hold a conversation for the most part. However there was one woman, in a short skirt and furry boots, really sexy, but hard to talk to. My gut told me it wasn't worth trying to fake a conversation just for the sake of 'getting the mack on.' Oh well.

First 2009 Post

My first post for 2009. Well what is there to say? Life here is mostly okay but still no sex from the missus. I think it's clear I'm taken for granted. Well maybe we take each other for granted. The most affection shown here is when I give her a pat on the shoulder, or walk up and give a hug or a kiss on the cheek. Her reaction, she just stands there and waits for it to end. She never reciprocates. I don't think that is normal. Well it shouldn't be normal. I'd be happy if just once in a while I'd get an unexpected hug or kiss. Some affection, but I don't. So the urge to stray gets stronger and stronger. I've been on a networking site making acquaintances. One was promising, a 38 year old lady who lived about 10 miles from here. However she deleted her account. I guess something happened and she chose to pursue real life which I can't blame. Another lives nearby, but she seems like too much drama to mess with. I really shouldn't waste my time with that silly stuff, but I just can't help it. We're in our 7th year. If you ask her if our marriage is in that 7 year itch I'm not sure what she'd say. She'd probably say things were status quo. Me, I think it is. Especially if I'm online talking to other women.