I joined AFF

Well for the past few months I joined AFF (adult friend finder). I was home alone and was drunk and was thinking. Drinking and thinking are never a good combination. However I realized I'm sick of being forced into celibacy and it's time I do some things for myself. I have mixed reviews of AFF. Some of the profiles are there are obviously fake. However I did meet one person. That will be another post. Lately things seem to be heading to a collision course. The last few weekends my wife is out all night with her friends. I get home in the evening time and she's long gone at a bar, or a club with her friends having a good time. I'm at home alone so I drink. She usually gets home no earlier than 2 in the morning. I'm tired of being home and alone.

I spend a bit of time on AFF. Lately I just watch the couple cams. Those are hot. It is a huge turn on to watch a couple love to explore their kinky side together. My wife would never in a million years go for something like that. So I'd like to find a partner in crime who would love to play on cam with others watching. I know I should be telling my wife these things, but it's hard to talk to her sometimes especially when she is out having a good time and I'm here by my lonesome. Anyhow, I'm still here, with a lot to post about, but not sure I should.

Cold Shower

My wife asked if my shower was okay. She's never asked this question before. I told her I had no problems. She said good because she was in the shower which is on the other side of the house. Oh, that's why. If she wanted to shower she could've easily joined me. Unlike her, I don't lock the bathroom door when I'm showering.

Still Here

Still here.  I know I don't have a lot of readers.  Hell this blog isn't even my main project.  I was even considering deleting it for the third time.  However some things have happened.  My life is the same.  I still love my wife but I've given up any hope of being intimate with her again.  Everywhere we go I'm always looking at other women, wondering if they are happy or they are like me, living their lives wishing for a little time to do what they want to do.  I also find myself envious of couples out in public who are obviously happy to be around each other.  When we're out together it's just 'oh it's you!'  I think she is taking after her parents.  Whether or not she realizes it I don't know.  They've been married a long, long time and had a turbulent marriage.   My wife grew up with screaming, cursing, shouting, and throwing things (in one occasion a bat was utilized).  She grew up thinking that was normal.  So I think that is the root of her anxieties and disinterest in physical affection.  That is normal for her, but not for me.

Strange Dream

I'm still trying to figure out what, if anything this dream was supposed to mean. Let me break down the elements;

I was in a math class. Math was my worst subject. I hated it. The only times I ever failed in school was a math class of some sort. Perhaps my brain just can't process math.

The teacher was a pretty blond with a nice chest and was practically exposing them to the class. I think any amateur dream reader than crack that code.

Sitting next to me was a girl I knew back in college. We were friends, part of a larger group of friends. I had a thing for her sure, but she had a boyfriend so all we could ever be was friends. We had a lot of adventures together, parties, road trips, etc. One drunken night, I spent the night in her dorm and it was the first time I had ever gone down on a woman. I the graduated and saw her less often. She then got married then I never heard from her again. I ran into her a few years ago at a club with her husband. One thing I never understood was why she, and others in that crowd kept in touch but not with me. I guess that's part of the dream too.

Hell of a way to go!!!

Hey at least he won the bet! But at what a price!

What Am I Doing?

I know I said I wouldn't talk to her because I got the sense there is too much drama. Yet something inside me keeps pushing the envelope. I guess it's the excitement of the possibility of something happening in the future. The other night she asked me in yahoo IM to tell her something to get her off. I did. So now I have to think how far this is going to go. My id and superego (the literal angel and devil on my shoulder) have been constantly fighting. I want some time for myself, to do what I want to do. Afterwards I can come back to my usually dull routine.

Playboy Radio Can Be Depressing...

I have satellite radio. It's great! I just recently discovered Playboy radio. On my way home in the night time I listen to the night calls. Listening to some of these people I don't know whether to be extremely envious or skeptical. It seems like everyone has amazing sex lives except me. I know the right thing is to talk but we've had this discussion twice before. She said she is not interested and has had a lifetime of experience. She also made a curious comment that I wouldn't do anyone better than her. Now why would she say that? Clearly she wants me around but expects me to entertain myself. One thing I've learned is people have needs and they will not repress them forever. Hell I'm watching friends and coworkers do it. Well not literally.